And so to training. Proper training. Not the endless haunting of the caves and the spider bites and the endless, pointless slaughter. Actually that is not quite correct. The slaughter is pointless for me, in that the creatures cannot inflict the terrible hurts they have done on me in the past, but any creature of evil gone from the lands must surely be a good thing in its own right. No, this is training in its truest sense.

It did not start well, although I survived. I lay my soul open to Cory in thanks for it, for it felt like a miracle. I found a place near Verthedge in the grasslands I did not recognise while searching out the hunting preserve. I thought at first I had imagined it, but a second glance confirmed what my eyes had thought. There were two strange fingers of rock in the tall grasses that stood out pointing to the sky as though trying to tell me something. It looked almost as a gate… there was a space between and I cautiously went between them into a passage that seemed harmless enough. I wandered almost in a dream as I looked up at the towering cliffs. There were no twists and turns and the path seemed safe. There did not seem to be anywhere for creatures to hide much. Now I love the beauty in nature. This desolate, cold-looking place made me feel edgy although nothing had attacked me. No plants and trees here. No vegetation to speak of. Then after I had been walking a while I found a camp. At first my heart leapt for I thought perhaps dear Richard might have been nearby and that I had found his far removed camping place after all these years of searching for him. There was a book lying on the ground. As I got closer I saw that it had been badly damaged and picking it up I realised that it was a journal. I did not read it at first. I just saw that the title suggested it was a journal of an expedition. I felt excited and alarmed. Annia’s journals have such a special place in my heart and I love to find new books to read. I looked again puzzled at this sad looking little camp and then realised it was abandoned. The fire was not stoked and things were lying hither and thither; not as though they were in use. I listened carefully but heard nothing. No sound or sign of life. It was then I took the decision to read the book and see if I could find some clue as to what had happened here. My heart began to beat a little faster. Within just a few lines I had drawn my blade and pinned myself back against one of the rock faces to take stock. There were people trapped somewhere above with no food and water…. But worse…something had happened to the author of this journal. These personal writings belonged to someone very real who had met with an untimely end. I could not get out of my head the possibility that one of the party might have been Richard and that I might have found my way there with the will of the gods to help.

I felt all my training come back to me and Knight Azure and dear Purazon’s words of many of meeting in my head as I prepared to move off. All the straps on my armour were double checked and despite my current misgivings and concerns I let the blessings Cory and Ben have allowed me to settle on myself and my kit before I started up the crags.

I had not gone very far before what I at first took for domestic creatures rained blows upon me and very nearly had me in the hands of Cory. Bunnies the likes of which I have never seen! It took but the fraction of a marc for the placid little creatures of Dundee to be banished from my thoughts. These had vicious teeth, blood dripped from their previous conquests onto their fur and it was clear these were no herbivore. Indeed it seemed that nothing but to bite in and taste my flesh could satiate them. Again and again I needed to back off and try and make myself whole. It was a long and exhaustingly fierce battle. I felt the bruises gained elsewhere recently sing in protest against it, but my will was stronger than I gave it credit for and eventually it was beaten back and destroyed. I sat a full marc or more almost stunned and trying to get my arms and legs to work again. If this was what the missing party had faced then I could hold out little hope. I was torn between going back and carrying on and a little of the old Vardian came back and insisted upon seeing a place she had never seen before and what was to come: I followed her, or so it felt.

The next creature was more fearsome even than the bunny. A goat, possibly the only creature that could keep its footing on the now dangerous and uneven crag, came upon me and its horns were hard and sharp. My mind has blotted out the terror I felt and I remember little except that I managed to slip from it and escape back to the abandoned camp.

That feeling of utter helplessness and defeat was something I do not want to remember again. I felt angry with myself that I could not get past these creatures and find those needing help, and weak as a baby.

Recent events however seem to have hardened me for I turned my back as soon as I felt strong enough to move and marched firmly out the way I had come.

I have not visited the hunting preserve for many weeks and had only ever entered it once. Then I had been so terrified I could not really fight effectively or remember what I had seen. The beasts there are still huge and what always takes my breath away is the speed of the creatures as they attack. Yet somehow after the crags I felt more than ready. I do not know how long I fought against the huge catlike creatures and mooses that stalk the place, but I do know I felt utterly exhausted and yet satisfied when I came to the end of it. I had barely the strength to drag the furs I had collected along the ground, but eventually I reached Fartown and sold them on to the first person I came to regardless of price.

But I could not rest until raids had been answered and I knew all were safe. I have never been more glad to stagger back to an inn in my whole life I swear it.

Taking off my armour was almost too much effort and I fell asleep in the chair before Roland could even take an order. No doubt he will be displeased, but I have spent enough over the years in this place. It holds a strange place in my heart this distant Inn and the glow of the walls is a comfort. I have spent time here being comforted and time here doing the comforting. It was the last place I saw my Lord Dagobert….. not the way I wish to remember him in my heart, but my eyes remember the frail, broken figure who barely knew who I was.

No, it is a good place to rest. I can write no more and rest I must.

When I came to I was a little disorientated. It is so long since I woke somewhere warm and comfortable. Who would ever have thought the Dundee Inn could be so inviting! Before my eyes were even open my ears were trying to listen for scuttling, but no scuttling was to be heard. The light was welcoming when I opened my eyes properly and dear little Scooter with his head on one side looking at me, Jeffrey quietly stocking up and Tyral’s gentle snoring were my only company. A relief in one way.

It was a concerted effort travelling down to the inn last eve. I was still smarting from Verthedge but decided that it would not send me back into the depths. Squire Meriel was kind enough to get in touch and see if I wanted any help scaring up guardians, but I knew if I went into that cave it would be days, possibly weeks until I came out again. I cannot face that just now. So to the inn I went. I was not expecting to feel so vulnerable and was glad there were only a few faces. Meriel and brother Boy smiled and made greetings, Urkki did not actively leave, so I took a seat trying not to disturb Jaltz who was resting quietly. It took some courage to put my head up and stride over to Jeffrey and I sat and grasped my ale like a sailor lost at sea would grasp a passing branch that might stop him drowning.

There was playful banter between our two Squires and I found myself relaxing slightly. Boy explained that Meriel had come up with a salve to attract bees. Immediately I was cheered up by the thought. So far, despite best efforts, no bees have come to nest in the RoK garden, though to me it seemed the temptation might have had some success by now. She said it was a solution of spider webs and honey. Now I wondered as to how the bees would not stick and be trapped. Meriel said when the compound was properly prepared the webs were more substance in the salve than their real self. Now I think on it, the honey is what they produce. No - despite best efforts I do not think they have the answer. We went on to muse between ourselves what might work. I thought perhaps something sweet-smelling with something tempting to the palette might work, Urkki came out with ‘Ale’. I jumped to be honest as I had almost forgotten he was there. But there he was, quietly listening to all that is said as usual. It was actually a good idea…. I wondered about mead. Meriel thought our roses would be good as the scent would be more attractive than her salve. I then thought about bright colours - perhaps a blue crystal with the light dancing through it. Urkki seemed quite interested then and proffered cartoons as a suggestion. By the time we finished there were grand schemes involving brightly painted cartoons on some sort of plinth and crystals to make the light dance with sweet substances, possibly mead or ale smeared upon it and all placed near sweet flowers.

Meriel then told some terrible tale of a time at a festival when some bees drank spilt ale and were quite intoxicated and lots of people were stung! I had not known bees could be dangerous! I asked in some alarm whether everyone was well and then she said something quite shocking: that those bees not squashed or sat upon flew away and seemed well! I could almost feel Jane’s hammer poised above us! Boy seemed to think it was all made up, but I could not be sure. I cannot imagine a bee sting. Are they like ant bites or spider bites I wonder? And Meriel said they were large bees too.

I drifted to sleep with a buzzing in my ears and the glint of Meriel’s armour and blade as she polished them. My last thoughts were a vague sense of guilt that I have still not attended to my things.

Again I am confused and depressed about what it is to serve. So: called to aid by a Knight in the Queen’s service to guide, and to give extra protection to get someone to a raid quickly and efficiently who, though brave, struggles against the multiple creatures they face. This sounds simple. Run through the forest having already fought creatures and stood guard with many raids being called. This is understood. Find the one I was told to aid in difficulties, dangerously close to being taken from the land to trust in their gods to be reformed, creatures in numbers on all sides of them; the heat of battle sounding in our ears. Terrible! And demons still loose! So do as asked and heal and give Cory’s protection and a strong blessing to aid their fight. Give directions as asked. Surely the duty of anyone who wishes to see a demon raid put down quickly and aid the land?

Apparently not. Better to ask questions, take time, allow another raid to be called which cannot be reached and just stand back… I wish I had that sort of clarity when faced with what I saw, but I do not. However it was made very clear to me that no direction were needed and blessings were unwanted and, indeed, unwelcome. Healing was grudgingly taken and my near presence tolerated only because they were working for a Knight. Otherwise I rather think it would have been equally abhorrent. In the end I left the adventurer to their fate (their words made it abundantly clear I was not wanted), which was quick in coming, and returned to my guard. Betty, Sandra and Mildred (as we named the foul creatures we cornered) still very much alive and in no danger it seemed.

When folk are training and making their own path I have learned to understand that some see their path as a lonely one and do not welcome any that try and make that walk easier. Others take help where it may be found and are pleased to have it. Yet more will actively seek it out wherever and whenever possible. But when there are raids threatening the land and all are in danger; when every hand is needed to fight; then I do not understand at all. Especially not when help has been asked for them by those trying to be in all places at once.

Understand then cleric that you are wrong it seems.

Yet I will not allow such a…..regrettable incident kill the joy I had found earlier. So tantalisingly close….wine still undrunk. At least I had sight of that I have longed for, and saw them almost relax; just for a moment. At least I heard words fall softly from their lips and said something that has been needing to be said. Yes, all my thoughts of the day should be concentrating on the good to be found in it.

Oh Balthazar you are dark and cruel and miserable. But you will not bring me down.

Four days, one guardian, no crystal. No matter….onwards…onwards….

Thus will be my mantra. I saw Lucius again, and again it was a very pleasant time. He asked if he could see our halls. We love visitors and it never fails to surprise me when people ask, but that is all in the manner of the man. I could not think where to show him so he said I should take him to my favourite place. That stumped me rather - I have so many how could I choose? He said I should spin around and see where our feet took me! Giddy as a girl I felt and not a little silly in truth as I stood in our courtyard with my eyes covered and did exactly that. I spun myself four times very fast and staggered until my hands felt a wall, but first my heart familiar warmth, and my soul calm. Sure enough I opened my eyes and we were in our house of worship. Could the gods have found me a better place? I have not shown this place to anyone since the decorating. I have barely been there myself to pray and felt a slightly uneasy guilt. I gently moved some of the faded rose crowns from about Miranda’s feet and tried to straighten the prayer cushions without Lucius noticing. He seemed to really like the place and I could not help feeling a little pride (which I hope was not wrong). He liked the leaves around the walls. I took him next into the tower and planted myself in the Great Hall and let him go wither he would go. We came out eventually and he was struck with what he had seen. Then he took my hand and begged leave to show me his home.

Great works are going on in the Vanguard Hall. The scaffold standing around an impressive structure that grows up stands testimony to the guild’s hard work. There was hardly time for my eyes to greedily drink in all that was above them - Lucius I could see was tired and he wished to show me somewhere specific. I admit I felt I was intruding in some way for he took me to a resting place and began to hang his weapons and armour up at a place I think must have been his designed bed. Good sturdy wood and trunks form the bedding furniture and I imagine it feels safe and solid - a good way to feel when trying to rest. But despite feeling slightly awkward I could not help but be impressed with the huge piece of carved granite that stands almost like a table. I recognised the Iron Knight crest upon it which gave me a pang I had not expected. There were the royal crests too as well as marks fashioned for the guild. The piece was massive and Lucius said it took much pain to get it into place. This I can sympathise with. I still marvel at how the Kimaldians managed to save, never mind transport some of the tapestries and furniture that now stands in the hall.

Lucius seemed so pleased to have shown me this place. It is good to know that our neighbours spend their time much as we: maps and parchments were strewn on the table, personal items hung here and there…. Whatever our halls I believe we are all much alike underneath.

I felt the spider bites irritating me. They seem to be accumulating into a greater irritation than I boasted of being easy to bear and so, seeing that Lucius was weary from a long day, I bid him a quiet farewell. He took my hands and kissed them gently and wished me good rest. That was unexpected and I mumbled something and went to the bath house, face quite hot, to bathe my sore skin and think.

It is good to know RoK has good friends and neighbours close by. And a message, however brief, told me that others are safe and well, if indisposed. That was worth many days in that dark cave to hear. It will make going back that little bit easier tomorrow. So I go to rest atop our tower gazing out over the land.

May the gods watch over all who rest.

Day follows night as night follows day although there is no change between them down in the caves and so time drifts away without seeming real. I grow weary of spiders, but I have lost my fear of them. I would not let dear Purazon know that for anything for it surely shows a great deal of complacency that can only be foolish. But the fact is that though they bite still, my body seems to be able to fight back against their poison. When I look back to when I first entered this dreadful place and how sick I was…. why I was sure I would surely die from the toxins pumping around my body. Yet was it any different to when I first entered the Dundee sewers all those years ago? I am sure at the time it felt equally dreadful. So now I wander through this unreal twilight safe, as long as I keep my eyes open and do not allow myself to be so weak that I am overwhelmed. Tediously safe…. I have searched three days now without seeing a guardian. Squire Meriel was generous enough to say she would come with me when we parted last, and Knight Azure has said the same. But everyone has their own path and it hardly seems fair to ask them to shadow mine. Still - at least no more buckets. I only had to carry it until I could turn its contents to wine and I have done so. I only hope the wine is still good: although I made Zak drink some, and he declared it the finest ever tasted, I carry it to pass on the lips of another. I had not thought I would be so long… but I am sure it will still be good to drink.

Strange to think that in a land where things seem to ebb away in their intensity from when I was first brought here, there is one thing that crashes like an ocean over me when I am given grace to see it (ah if only it were more often). The waves grow higher and higher, but it is a storm I am so very glad to be tossed about in.

I learn to be quite the sailor.

I have always shies away from the mirrors in our bath house. Too much time was spent preening in front of them in a past life looking at all the adornments that could be draped on someone to make them seem an almost completely different person.

It is amazing what you can see when you look properly...

Chance meetings can throw up such a confusion of emotions. I was so very glad to see Lucius; it has been a long time since the gods granted me sight of him and he looked well - really well which was a blessing. I was somewhat taken aback when he gently extended his hand to me and said he wished to show me something. Before I knew it I had placed my hand in his and then he ran, tugging me along through the forest and then through Milltown until I was almost giddy. I found myself in Llaledan Square. I paused briefly to bow my head, but almost instantly Lucius was on the move again and I found myself in The Learned’s Observatory and immediately understood Lucius’s rush. As midnight broke in deafening silence I looked up and saw the whole sky laid out before me. So brilliant and clear I reached up my hand and felt I might be able to grasp those jewels created by Ben: More precious and brilliantly beautiful than any gem yet to be discovered. I confess I felt the breath all but leave my body and was quite dumbstruck by the spectacle. I had almost forgotten Lucius was there so lost was I in my reverie. He seemed pleased and he said something about being close and yet far away, and though I did not understand his words they felt warm and comforting somehow. He then said he was going to Dundee Inn and I agreed to go too. Now I think back on it, Lucius has always been so quiet and private, it was as though he had emerged from himself somehow and I felt very drawn to him and moved by it.

As we got to the inn, Knight Azure left. She has much to do and at least I can now be reasonably certain I had not done anything to cause the leaving. Then the Crier called for Kili as sea dwellers were rampaging on the Island. I spoke aloud of Branishor and sharp eared Urkki wondered why and that I should surely be more worried about Kili. I tried to explain that I could not get to Kili to help, but that I feared a further attack on the lovely Holy City from the sea dwellers who have been known to attack it before. I fear for Branishor every time I hear of a raid for other darker reasons. Kathryn haunts my dreams still. I fear for the temple. In a time when the Dark Lord would make such atrocities against our beloved healers anything is possible and that gentle creature in that holy place would be a trophy indeed for Him. I did not say all of that to Urkki of course. Then he made comments about how useless to go to a raid anyway….something like that. Though I am sure he meant that particular raid, not ANY raid and I am sure useless was not the word he used. I was so stunned that I forget exactly…. I asked how healing and blessing those there to be more able to fight could be useless. Then he said more about rushing off to raids wasting time and resources. I simply do not understand his words. How can a cleric, put upon Ben’s world, see that as wasting time? I will never understand him, much as I respect him. He is a man of such contrasts and such strange truths. I simply cannot just stand in an inn and shrug my shoulders. Just because creatures are too weak to fight against me, or indeed too strong, I should just stand by? What of all the others there? What did I learn my craft for if not to help them? What point the blessings the gods have bestowed?

I felt it best to leave: If only so that Urkki did not have to suffer whatever my idiocies are. I stood in Dundee Square with not a clue what to do. I went to a raid. I asked Knight Azure and she said she supposed healing would be welcome. She knew something was troubling me - she always does. But I could not explain to her what or why. It would be disloyal. I would not wish to disappoint her or to give the impression that … oh I don’t know. What I do know is that somehow I have disappointed or irritated Urkki in some way though I have no doubt that it will pass or have been forgotten as completely insignificant by him, and somehow I think the same has happened with Knight Azure.

I have much to think on. I think I will return to the Growlery. Topaz is right - there are times when only that place can fit your mood. I need something to lift my spirits, but they have their own path to travel on and more to think about than a cleric in doubt.

Too weak, yet too strong. Too weak I can do nothing about. Except ignore it? That seems to the suggestion. Too strong? Then do something about it I suppose and drag myself up to their level. Perhaps that was the message. I should be training. There is no happy medium to be found. Train too hard, people worry. Rest in the inn and you are not doing all you should. Go to raids and you are….well I am not sure. Surplus to requirements perhaps? Sometimes I think it would be best to just stay away from the Inns and towns. However good my intentions it always seems to cause ….something else. Perhaps if I could train myself to just sit quietly in the corner.. but what would be the point of that?

A day to get this out of my system. I do not even feel like praying.

Blue is that radiant colour of sky,

Of feathered hats and beautiful eyes.

Blue is a colour of waters deep,

Of peaceful calm and gems I keep.

Blue is reflection and depth of feeling;

The colour of wisdom and colour of healing.

Blue is now hope and a song in my heart

One crystal that glows - yes that’s a start!